ThousandMiles

I am tired.. BUT....

2010-01-27T17:37:00.001-08:00

I am rather tired now.. Emotionally and physically..

As a guy, there are many things that we needs to do, we need to maintain. But what if there is only going out, but nothing coming in>?

Nevertheless, to keep the line going, i have to keep it up.. till the other one gets the fire and lights it on.. Early mornings to ensure that we still have the time to meet... For i am prepared, that u will say on friday- i am simply too tired.. we have meet each other everyday..lets meet on monday bah.. well.. i dunno why.. but its just kinda disappointed.. But i dare not say anything... cuz u will think that i am inconsiderate. hmmx.. life's hard.. i know.. but so? people will still say- i choose it... ya...

100% work - 0 % love i know, school work is important.. but right now, we are in a relationship.. u are not living alone now.. its two hearts... Every presentation, every tests, i concern them as much as u do.. i waited for u to reply..for u to tell me how u fare.. hey.. i am done with my presentation! dear.. tks for supporting me!

Lik this at least i can heave a sigh of relieve... but.. the msg din come.. i tot u might still be preparing.. so i waited.. till ur end of lesson... Hmmx... so throughout the whole 8 hours, i wasnt even worth 1 min of ur time. while i am thinking of u every single moment

i know, if i complain to u, tell u about this, u will be unhappy, say i am stirring up trouble.. make a fuss of such small matter. But for me.. ITS A GREAT DISAPPOINTMENT!

in front of ur friends.. i am just lik another friend to u. u treat me lik ur other friends.. this, i can only tell myself.. perhaps, this is u ba.. when u told me about ur friend.. that girl who kiss, even when u all are busy. As for guys, we will certainly want such a girl. Of course.. when u are busy, hugging kissing is not appropriate. but i believe a tap on the cheek, a tight cosy quick hug, a warming msg, to report to me about ur current condition..This is definitely a super big assurance to guys! that u still care about them! Its all due to how much u prioritise a person in ur life. Otherwise, it would simply means that- boy friend are only to be entertain, whenever u are free. So in future. please lookup for me when i am free. When i am busy, just wait for me at one corner and wait for me till i call u to come.

I may seems to be unreasonable, but to tell u the truth, thats wad i felt. from tuesday till today. 3 straight days..

u may be someone who doesnt show ur love through actions. but it doesnt have to be limited only to that? words.. msges, mails.. but i get none..

how do my heart get peace, security.. when u simply tell me.. i love euu.. words that only can be heard when u are free.

in a relationship.. its not the guy blend into the girls life, vice versa..

Its a whole new life! with two hearts to be concern of!

i waited for ur msg. wait aand wait.. each vibration on my phone within this three days- Saber,zhong ying, mouse, xin hui, chie heng. but dun have ur presence. My heart sinks, but i tell myself. No, dun let this disappointment out of ur heart.

忍一时，海夸天空..

But how much more? i afraid i will break down... but i know what will ur outcome be.. that is.. keep quiet. then emo. then i will say.. its all my fault. then u will say i make u sad. then i will heart pain, and let the matter go. then allow history to repeat itself!

maybe i love u till the extent that i dun even wan to let u get hurt. Hence, i am keeping all to myself. Holding on to the love in my heart. Maybe soon, this will become one sided.

why?

because each day, when u rush ur work... i am being left left out of ur life. thrown in one corner...

then afterwards, u will say u dun feel any love from me anymore..

then when someone approach u, help u a hand...

then u will say, that person concern u more then i do...

then the world will change...

ur heart will change....

then when i explain... u will say... i am unreasonable

its all different

now i dun love u

and yea.. thats the outcomee...

so now, no matter what, no matter how tired i am.. i still have to find time to find u in the morning.. it seems that the only time is in the morning already... i am sure.. if without this mornings, our love for each other will decrease lik mad..

So thats the reason, why i am worried about next semester. i dun wan to lose u..

for normal girls, they willl auto msg the guys.. lik where u now, wad u doing... i miss euu... keep tracking of their guys..allowing them to know that their girls miss them..

but for me, i end up keeping tracks of u instead, and sometime u dun even bother to reply... how saddening.. when i say, u will say.. i am busy.. cant u be more considerate? cant i have more trust??????????????????????????????

seriously, i reali want to tell u all this, let u be aware about how i feel.. but i dare not do it.. Please god... help me.. i know i cant leave it like this..

for i will break down sooner or later..

Dearr

2009-11-24T08:25:00.000-08:00

Time flies... We are now approaching the end of the November year 2009.

Many things has changed, everyone has moved on with their life. Tks god , i have such a great girl who appears in my life....

However, we, human, has things that can never be learn finished.. Right now.. i am training to be mroe mature in everything that i do.. In terms of relationship...
I am learning, how not to be jealous that easily... Hmmx...

Its kind of killing me, especially when i do not have enough slp and ..... haiz...
But nevertheless, my trust and faith for my dear is always there. So no doubt, after awhile, everything will be all gone.. I mean for all human, there will sure be a tinge of jealousness when things doesnt approach the way u wan right?

Sometimes, i am afraid to say out my inside feeling.. I fear that this will be my life partner unhappy. BUt this will mean that i am unhappy. Aiya.. i not sure what to do right now. So i will just keep praying, see that everything will become a lesson for me.. Of course, i hope that the price will not be too expensive!

Sometimes, when i love someone so much, i gave it all that i have, i always do not reali get what i deserve.. So i am afraid that this barrier within me will always be there.. Haiz...

God.. help help help me....

I love my Dear CHIA LING, i wan her only in my life.. PLease allow me to grow up, and have a correct thinking of what i shud do...

Dear i love u! I love u and only u only!

Wad shd i do?

2009-08-27T20:43:00.000-07:00

Ahhh.. I have came to this dilemma.. Because.. i dunno wad is happening to me..

During this exam period... i have indeed had a great time studying.. revising.. But happy moment do flies...
Right now.. exam period is over.. and i kinda miss the times in the library.. This feeling is like so random.. I feel so afraid right now..

Aiyoyo.. blurr me.. haha... So i am here to xpress my feeling for the blog again.. =X

But hor.. today i feel so different leh.. not able to see her.. blah blah.. arrhh.. but seeing ur msg.. ur call.. aiyoyo.. i dunno why, but i am just feeling over the moon.. arrggg.. i dunno lahh...

OKok i go slp le... NItex

How sia??

2009-08-25T21:45:00.000-07:00

For the past few days.. I could feel my life moving on.. Each day, i enjoy every single moment, joyous moment without stress, without worries...

But for today.. When i saw my whole grp of frens, my quick glance managed to catch my ex(i dun reali consider)'s eye in action. She was lik glaring at euu.. At that moment, i feel frightened.. i know its all my fault.. At that moment, i too was very frightened.. that she would make sarcastic comments abt u.. i even fear that... aiyo.. i tink is i watched too much movies le.. BUt at that moment, my heart has made a firm decision.. that is to ensure that u get protected at all cost..

And u know wad? It is this instance that i realised ur importance in my heart. Seeing that u are not reali feeling well today, i am very worried.. Though i wanted to help u, but i jus couldnt know wad went wrong with ur immune system.. so in the end, i can only worry from my heart.. haiz..

How i wish, things will not take a worst end. I fear to have that.. for i have just recover my footing and i dun wish to fall right back again..

Everyday, i msg u, msn u, facebook u, i am actuali rather weird.. Wad if.. ur reaction when seeing my msg is jus the same reaction as seeing JT's? I realise something.. that is u dunno how to reject.. even if u keep complaining, but u still give a nice response. Making ppl thinking in the wrong direction.. and the thing that i fear most is lik i will become like Jt.. U know, i rili got no faith in myself anymore..

So now, everyday, i jus include u in my prayers, wishing that god has grant piglet a healthy yet happy life. Praying that our frenship will last long. Praying for god to gif me a clearer direction.. Thats all i asked from god.. i know is very greedy.. BUt i am willing to exchange for anything as long as is for piglet...

Well.. especialy after i send u the msg, and u giving me the unfirm answer, my heart sank.. well.. I am bad at interpretting sentences. I always tink to the bad side.. SO ya.. i guess that msg is more towards the gloomy side bah...

Well.. i will try as much to keep my limit where my heart allows... Yup..BUt still, i rili wan to know the answer truthfully from ur heart...

Haha.. feeling much better after i have spilled these frustrating moment with my dearest blog.. Yup..
Tks for being there, to listen to my complain, listen to a coward's word. listen to someone useless complaining.. Tks.

How do i control my heart? I never had such a strong feeling b4.. Weird..

COMing.. Its coming back again..

2009-08-23T21:45:00.000-07:00

Its been a long time since i felt such feelings... The feeling of true joy in my heart.. Making me look forward to each coming day..

Yup.. Its u piglet..

Frankly speaking, initially, my heart was broken, shattered.. Getting to know u- i guess it was a god gift. U motivates me to study, to get on with my life.. Each day passes, and slowly... i noticed a slight change.. At first, this changes was very mild... But as times goes by, i realise my heart was healing.. Day after day, i could lift myself out of the agony, and finally found the true joy coming out from my heart. My life seems to be moving.. Yup.. tks piglet...

I know i must have think too much.. But this all is actuali true for me!
Its been along time since i felt joy.. The feeling is reaili nice..
From the moment i drank the honey, i could felt the warmth..
Hmmx.. At least my heart is beating...
And now, its palpitating...

Do u know that everyday, i have been studying very hard because my life is burning of passion again?
Yup... Tired me due to the burning of midnight studying oil.. My life seems to spring back to life now...

So now, i dare not hope for anything more already...
Let everything move at this speed.. Slowly, firmly..
Praying that everything will be alright, everything is NOT a dream
GIVING tks to the almighty GOD, for relighting my beacon of light, drawing me to the direction that god has planned for me..

Tks GOD for the name we pray.. AMEN..

Where am i....

2009-07-07T21:33:00.000-07:00

My life, right now, is totally bleak.. crossroads seems to intertwine... my heart follows.. my mind is a blank.. everyday, i seem to live my day, painfully... My brain is dying! It seems as though it has been suffocated.. no oxygen....

Everyday, my mood goes high to low, low to high.. never at all steady.. when it comes to the night, i will feel so tired, exhuasted and shag.. maybe tis is wad u call- a living zombie.. Its hard to leave on, without emotions, without hope, without confidence... Maybe a sharp snap ard my neck would ends all...

Betraying, not honouring of words... this is wad have been going on and on around my mind.. Sometime, it makes me dun even feel belong to tis world.. for i am too weak to survive such torturous treatment in the real life world..

Havin a body without a proper control of emotion is lik hell... sometime laugh, sometime tears just trickled down the cheek.. it seems as though a mad person is around.

But wad can i do? where is my beacon of light? too bad.. its all hidden... its all covered.. no shd i say, its all gone.. no longer there..

so yup.. right now, alan, is practically lifeless...

academics- flunk...
pool- moodless, impossible
cca- faith
attitude- gone
hope- dash
life- human zombie
future- bleak
time- ticking away, but nthing is done
meal- eat for the sake of parents

haha.. useless dolphin... Cant even try to escape from the torturous human life...
yup yup- this is my life...

Is this possible? ANY MORE?

2009-06-17T20:25:00.000-07:00

Last night, i couldnt stand it any longer.

i could no longer have the power to withstand it.

for the first time, i realise how it feels to skip a step while running down the emotional stairs. I fell and fell.. not knowing went to stop.

things that i do, steps that i have taken. u never understand.. Great...

things that u text, are just for that moment of deceive..

because of love.. i have getting more and more unreasonable..
it all begins when u do not feel wad i do with ur heart.
it all begins when ur heart is not completely mine...

i shall jus keep quiet..
let everything jus slip pass quietly...
why?
because i believe u will never ever see this blog..
why?
because ur heart no longer belongs to me...
u know? how much i miss u?
u know how much i wish u call, and say, dear, please continue my life journey with me...
But it never happens.. it never did...

Lessons learnt

2009-05-19T10:06:00.000-07:00

Once again, i was left walking alone.

I have hinted u, but u choose to hesitate.

The answer u gave is not wad i want to hear.

So from the moment i walk away,

It shall be the path that leads me out of ur life.

It do both of us good.

And u can continue to tell how u feel to D***

My heart is dead- totally

A message that i will treasure most, that i will bear in mind.

2009-05-17T19:06:00.000-07:00

This message is from my very best fren. His name is Ian. And he made me learn to be storng, to guide me when i am lost, when i am feeling that my life has become hopless.

Baby, although i dunno wad she msg u but i sure know its something hurting that will shatter ur heart.. it is true that love hurts but still u have to bravely face up to it and never bow ur head and conceive defeat. Because u nid to know that either of u dont have who is a lost to both. BUt since this is all fated, if u have done all that u have done to salvage wadever u can, but still shatters apart, u have to face it. stand strong and stay strong. love does not need to have pocessions of the person. as long as she lives in ur heart and is happy, you will be happy. that is true love. learning to let go for the better of both. its a painful journey and process but u know u are not alone. i will be there for u, throughout the whole process as ur support and courage jia you.

It is this massage that allows me to me to think clearly last night. Jus tis simple message, is enough to calm me down, and bring me out from depression. So reali wanna say tks to IAN LIM.

Jus for ur info, ian lim is a guy whom i have met in my trip to China. He is a very nice guy, and i think the biggest present i have bring back from china is the frenship with him. A deep thinker, a calm person, a far sighter. Yes thats the impression of him in my heart.

Will this building continue to rise or topple?

2009-05-17T18:41:00.000-07:00

The theory of a building. In life, if we were to build a building, there is something we all know, the higher the building, the higher the risk of getting it topple. And this has to be dependent on the basic foundation at the underground. The basic structure at the underground has much work to be done so that its able to allow this building to continue standing high, upright. If the structure is not done with the most care, when a strong winds come, it will just topple over.

So, have i lay down the most strong structure for the two of us? I guess not. A person intervene cause our structure to shake, terribly. Why? This is because this building is constructed single handedly. No matter how much the amount of trust is place inside, how much the faith is place inside, it is still only from one party. So how can this structure be stable?

To maintain mutual trust, both parties must play their parts. if u are afraid that another person might shake ur heart, then get away from that person, so that u will be able to go the way u wan, so that ur heart wont even get shaken. Like this u can save a lot of trouble. This is wad i have been trying to explain, but u seems to be angry, saying that i dun understand u.. haiz..

IF you were to say, my love is not as strong as b4, but why would I have spent so much effort in getting this building built for 2 years? Disappointment is just the word in my heart. U see, why would i wreck this building that i have built when i have already place so much sweat and effort in it?

So now, i would like u to choose. And no matter wad u choose, i will just respect ur decision,because, i do not want to build this structure single handledly. If we were to build, i will choose to build a higher one, a more stable one, with two pairs of hands, strongly clenched together, so that not even the slightest ant can crawl through.

Moody day

2009-05-12T05:17:00.000-07:00

Today.. i am very upset.. Very very unhappy.. I dunno why, but i think i am getting jealous thats why.

Actually i regretted seating down with u waiting with u. Haiz.. I guessed i am just too dumb..

Its time for a change..

2009-05-09T05:05:00.001-07:00

Finali, i decided to let it all go...

My goals, my directions, my aims.. Everything has found their new directions. To get me move on with my life. So, now, i have learn to lean on god's shoulder. I have learnt to let everything goes as it is..

Wuhan trip has made me learn, made me grown. Its all tks to God's grace that i got this chance, this opportunity. Maybe after all, its God's will.

God's has its plan for me, its up to me to choose to follow or not. Well. i guess i am finali seeing the true meaning of this sentence.

haiz..

2009-02-26T06:59:00.000-08:00

Things hadnt go right for me since.. since.. (tat night) Dunno if its the exam that making me worn out... oh i am jus tired.. Tired of wad goes around me me..

"Its not how good u are.. Its how long can u remain good" I have been trying to improve on this.. But my pool seems to stagnant already... Swt...

Flaring temper... Tired mind.. Haiz...

very random

2009-02-16T10:12:00.000-08:00

Haiz.. all of a sudden, i missed ping.. Reali reali miss u sia.. Haiz..

BOred..

2009-02-10T22:06:00.000-08:00

Yea.. Me gonna go wuhan( CHINA) on the 3rd of march=) and onli be back at 15th of April!! Hehe=)

Haz.. Now gotta create new blog for my wuhan trip... Hahaz

Love can conquer anything???

2009-02-09T08:47:00.000-08:00

Well.. Can love reali conquer anything?? IS that the true meaning of love? Or is it just an excuse to rebel?? Or is it that we are still to young to understand the meaning of this??

Hmmx...

Gotta study again.. 2 tests tmr haiz...

Got myself a new cuestick recently= ) and all the basic stuff to maintain my cue= )

So.. i am currently selling my cue..

Brand- Fury
Weight- 19 oz
Condition-9,5/10( Base has no dents or dings, just change to a new shaft)
Tip- Kamui medium soft tip
Cost- Around $180-$200 Negotiable= )

Ok= ) gotta go..

5 min Break time for me now= )

2009-02-05T04:57:00.001-08:00

Nthing much for today.. Just feeling abit no life.. Study for awhile, then staring into spaces.. Hahaz.. Stupid me..

But, somehow.. there is this small spurr of motivation that keeps me going= ) Is that u ? Hehe...

NItes and take care= ) Hehe.. Sleep tight too = )

Efforts..

2009-02-04T09:33:00.001-08:00

Today, i played pool... realised that, my mood can spoil my games.. Totally.. saw someone.. then link link link .. some how link to my euu.. So kinda feel lost... perplexed.. Haiz...

Well.. after which , i managed to study till Now= ) Great achievement for me = ) hehe.. COmpleted icbe homework, and math homework all at one shot= )

This few days, i have realised that, i have never been putting any efforts in my life.. I haven reali put in 25% in my studies.. I haven use my 100% to learn to play pool.. I haven used my 500% to learn to feel wad my heart reali lacks.. I guess, this is why, i am in such a fixed now..

Actuali, i realised, i have been taking each day by granted.. I know, and i want to change.. But it jus seems as if times seems to have always slipped past me..

BUt, Now.. It gonna be different.. This point of time, this diversion.. Will lead me to start putting in my effort.. I am gonna do my best in everything i do.. Reali, those ppl i saw in chingay group m2, reali wakes me up.. They all have aims, they all have their directions, their big ambitions.. Comparing with me, i jus feel guilty.. Always living comfortably under my parents wing for granted..

Tks god, for letting me grow once again.. Reali..

Dear. NItex.. slp tight too.. Take care..

Oh.. and i have came to realise, that wind is indeed very special.. = )

Boring life

2009-02-03T02:19:00.000-08:00

My life has come back to a routine.. Wake up restlessly, go school study, play pool, go home.. slp.. No more colourful parts in my day. Haiz.. But No choice, must jiayou for semester exam..

I have been tinking of the meaning of the word fate.. Hmmx...

K, back to study.. Bye...

Chingay'09!!!

2009-02-01T07:53:00.000-08:00

HIHIHIHI... Hahaz.. i am so happy these 2 days.. Reali enjoyed the times i have spent with my fellow m2 group mates= ) U are all very fun and nice= ) I will never forget how fun it is to cheer with u guys= )

I was feeling rather down these 2 days actually, was still tinking if i can even force a smile during the cheering sessions.. But, the moment i see how enthu my group is, i was being hyped up= )
Btw, i have posted all the photos in facebook already= )

I love this cheer= )

We say good bye
We say good bye
We say goodbye good bye Chingay..
We say good bye, good bye chingay!
We say good bye good bye good bye.. CHINGAY!!
hahaz..

oH ya, while we are cheering, We saw Jack Neo!, and media corp director, dawn yeo, and many more!! Haz..

OKOK, i guess i haven gotten overy my chingay mood.. Still very high.. hahaz..

But all i can say is the overnight experience at Singapore river is indeed very fun! Very enjoyable= )

So guys, must keep in contacts k?! Hahaz..

CHingay ! Chingay!! hahaz..

HApie CNY!!

2009-01-28T06:22:00.001-08:00

This year Chinese New Year falls on the 26... But the important event falls on the 25 th of Jan. Just a msg from u- Dear, that send me over the moon, on cloud nine.. Its also the day in which i clear all my doubts, and work towards the new chapter of my life.

Today, it seems that god has started to remind me about my future.. What i shd do? Wads my aim? And i seems to have a goal in my mind already..

Oh cats lesson over, which means my wednesday from now on is free!! So its PooL time in the day, and Dear at night time= )

Hahaz..

Okok, from now onwards, i will move on! I shall not look backwards. I shall worked hard for my future...

Hey dar, nites and sweet dreams= ) slp tight too = ) Just to tell u, i am really very happy tonight= ) Hehe.. Take care..

DUnno why..

2009-01-17T17:57:00.000-08:00

This morning woke up early to study.. But suddenly starts to miss my dear alot.. Arrg.... Jus kept thinking of u, till i couldnt study.. So decided to blog a bit...

Chingay is very very fun! I joined this year chingay parade as a motivator=) And my group is very fun?!!! Reali like them a lot.. They are all very smart.. And they always have a perfect way of doing things.. I reali admire them alot.. Well, every training, i have been trying to learn from them.. Oh and each group is attached to 30 Secondary school npcc cadets.. They are all very cute also=) All very shy at first, but after the ice breaking game, they have all become mischeivous monkey, shouting and cheering lik mad=) Yea, thats wad motivators should do=)

Think i better get back to my studies.. This semester i reali wans to get a very very goood grade..

Dear! All the best to u too=) i reali cant stop tinking of u.. oh gosh..

WO HEN LEI!!

2009-01-15T06:47:00.000-08:00

Today is really a very tired day for me.. Did not manage to seep last night, because i was thinking of stuff... Then this morning, i like totally no mood to talk to anyone.. My poor fren, went to eat lunch with me, and we did not talk much.. because i am like so no mood.. Srryyy...

Then after that there is lik 4 hours straight lessons, and i was totally worn out.. reali reali very tired.. Haiz..

See? Last night i was still talking abt my aim, and today, i am so restless... Damn me...

Haiz... One more project, one organic bio quiz waiting for me, but i am soo tired..

Gosh.. Guess i gotta go le...

Bye dear... Nitez( ^_^ )

A complete life

2009-01-14T08:26:00.000-08:00

Hmmx.. Reali very tired.. BUt still wanna jot this down...

Went for AGM today.. Reali din expect to gain anything.. Because it simply says "compulsary".

But when this staff-in-charge started the session, it's kinda impactful.

He was saying, when you are in poly, everyone wants to get out of poly as soon as possible, best is can get good grades before u graduates.. But, that is actually not the point.. The thing that is important is actually have u gotten ur prize throughout this poly journey? Well, this prize is actually- A complete phrase of your poly life.. It means that when u leave poly, u should be confidence enough to bring what u have learnt( Experiences, Knowledge, friends) to the outside world, and apply it so that it can bring u to greater heights.

Well, this kinds of reminds me, that i am actually running in a race aimlessly, desperately to get first.. Actually i reali dunno that what i should do in poly.. I wants to take up ambassador, but i fear the past.. I wants to join Hi-club, but there is an obstacle that i dun wish to overcome-at least for now..

Its quite ironic, everytime i goes to CF, i gain new experiences, i learn stuff that i have never thought off, and i will never get to sleep after that..

Hmmx... God is so wonderful, and always does things miraclously..

Tks... For thrice, i ran away from the path that u have paved for me, and for thrice, u have directed me back, miraclously... This is something that i am really really thankful for...

Dear, srry i din heed your advice.. I did not sleep early , because i reali wanna blog this out... I, at this point of time feels reali fortunate and hope to share with the rest.. Nites to u k? Sleep tights=) Honey dreams=) hehe.. Oh yea, u too, reali glad to have u by my side.. Tks for everything.. Tks... (^_^) hehe

hihi

2009-01-09T06:10:00.000-08:00

Hmmx.. Finali school has started.. And i haven gotten back my results. Sadly, all my papers have careless mistakes over them.. ><

Well, recently, instead of playing games, i have been addicted to listening to music.. Seriously addicted. In youtube, there is this little angel, she reali sings very well.. Oh my, i reali envy her, her talent in singing and playing the piano so well.. What amused me most is that the chords of the songs are instantly changed by her as she play the piano! Wow..

Now, i finali know, how powerful music is. It has reali slowed down my fast going pace in everything that i do, makes me relax, thinks, and keep my spirit up! Haz...

Oh ya, the song tong hua is already very nice, but tong hua in english version is even nicer!! hahaz

Hey dear.. NIte nite=) srry for unable to msging u during the days, reali been packed by lots of activities. k=) slp tight k? Sweet dreams=)

Oh ya, today is my most malu day ever!! I sent a msg to my dear this morning, and guess wad? i sent to the wrong person.. And worst still its a she.. oh gosh.. Then when i realised, its lik during evening.. Die sia, tmr still gonna meet her, cuz we will be going for chingay training session..

hahaz... NIte nite=) sweet dreams= )

Hmmx...

2009-01-06T06:00:00.000-08:00

Indeed, time is cruel. It will never go back no matter how u beg, u cannot bribe time no matter how rich u are.. So, Me, Watashiwa Alan des, have been defeated by this cruel reality. I prayed for an answer, and i finally got the answer..

It is through a small activity during fellowship, that i have gain such a valuable lesson.. First, we played this game, we are told to write down things that we have regretted inside the piece of paper. Next we have to think of how this has made us yield, made us grow,made us learn from this experience. It is then when i actually thinks about the stuff that i have regretted badly. I have always regret leaving Jc.. But i have never thought of how this benefits me?! But now, i have an answer. So after we did some reflections, we prayed to God, and we crumpled the paper and threw them inside a bin. Leaving those setbacks behind, and bring those lessons learnt with us, and continue the journey that God has paved for us.

Seriously, i am glad that i have learnt my lesson. I have learn that God has made me fall, to be humble. I am srry..

Now, i have decided not to look back, i will live my life afresh. I will start from scratch again.. Yes.. Tks lord..

Oh and to my dear, i am glad for u getting such a great job.. And tks for everything... Tks...

slacking...

2008-12-05T20:30:00.001-08:00

ZZZ.. I type out so much stuff, then everything went disappear.. Nvm...

Life has calm down for me, everything is going smoothly, at a jus nice pace for me.. Tks god.. Now, i have learnt to enjoy every single second of my life... Everything is so peaceful, so beautiful... Recently, i starts to love my classmates more and more.. They are jus so helpful, so cheering bunch of youngster.. Hahaz... I am glad that i have chosen this road that god has given me..

Right now, i jus hoped that everything will be as calm for the road to come.. At least till the next challenge that my lord has set for me...

Dear.. wad are u doing now? haz.. Missing u again....

Study time!!!

HEhe

2008-12-05T08:06:00.000-08:00

Organic BIO is fun!!!!=)))

Hehe... NItex nitex and sweet dreams dear= ) Ehhehe

Relaxing time. . .

2008-12-04T07:51:00.000-08:00

My My... Things are certainly moving very fast right now.... Tutorials to be done, and suddenly-Common test next tuesday.. Its lik so fast.... And i am still like stoning away.. Reali must get stoned liao la...

Anyway, i got pretty good news for myself... I managed to find someone good in pool recently.. And i am reali very happy, to play with that fellow.. He used to play in town, till recently, he shifted to Timah.. Glad to meet him... Nice guy, Pro guy... Upon seeing him, i realised, my pool are jus his basic.. zzz

I want to train train train up! Jus one last week to go.. And i have lots of plans up my sleeves.. Heheee....

Anyway, i dunno y, but i started to miss u already...Quickkkkk, let me common test overrrr..
Nitex Dear=) sweet dreams and take care=) sleep tight too... Keee...

8 days more, and i will be smiling in my dreams- for u to know, for me to prepare=)

Emo liao.. HAha=)

2008-12-01T16:36:00.000-08:00

Recently, i have realised something.. Humans are greedy... Nope, this applies only for me... I have got a healthy life since young, a very fun and caring family.. But i always thinks of the unhappy side.. I onli realised how stupid i am, after watching one tv drama... That clearly gives me a signal that- I shall be glad to have such happiness... Instead of asking for more.... Right now.. i just wants everything to be as it is.. I want to treasure every minute... I want to live my life fully... I dun wan to regret this chapter of my life onli when i reached my last part of my life.. This is my decision...

"God... please look after me, my family member,my dear, my frens around me.I pray that we will always look up to u, seek forgiveness from u.. I am grateful for what u have given me, and i will treasure everything... Tks.. In Jesus name i pray... Amen"

Oh dear.. Tks for everything... U know, i reali reali treasure u alot.. I will always pray for ur safety,ur health, ur everything.. Enjoy ur holidays k? GIF me 2 weeks=) Jus 2 weeks and i can join u for holidays=) Hehe....

=) dunno y, but i am reali emotional after watching this drama series.. Tks God...

Hehee..

2008-11-27T06:27:00.000-08:00

Phew... Today is a very lucky day for me=)
Managed to recover my phone IN poly compound within half an hour.. Tks God..=)
Almost freak out, cried out when i realise my phone is gone.. Not that i heartpain my phone... BUt it is those msg that makes me heartpain.. Thought i have lost it.. But i MANAGED to find it=) Hehe...

Oh.. Life has become a routine for me.. Wake up, go school,revision at library,eat dinner,msg my dear,slp... If only my dear can participate more in my life.. But its ok, ur every single msg relax my stressing mind.. Ur every word rejuvenated my tiredness.. Hehe.. I am already very grateful.. Tks=)

OKOK, now i gotta mug mug mug.. hehe...

Honey dreams and slp tight k? Tks dear, for everything... Oh, and gratx for becoming a relief teacher as ur part time job=) Hehe....TAKE careeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee=)

baffled..

2008-11-26T05:55:00.000-08:00

People use to say, whenever u are confuse in certain decisions, jus follow what ur heart thinks..It will not go wrong...

But, this time round, if i really follows wad my heart wan me to do, i will be defying god... arrg.. I am reali stuck.. wondering wad i should do at this moment...

I realised, why am i always the one with such problem? Is it because my faith aint that strong? Or is it because, this are my obstacles waiting for me to overcome? So many obstacles i have overcome, and yet, many more waiting ahead for me..

Haiz..

Well dear, i am very srry for msging u so little nowaday.. My common test is around the corner.. And i am studying real hard this time.. Staying in the library till 8 everyday.. I hope u dont mind... K? Oh, despite that, i still never forget u, always keeping u in my prayers..Hehe.. Honey dreams and take care.. Jus give me two more weeks... Tks...

Missing u... Arrgg... ><

Hehe...

2008-11-24T18:23:00.000-08:00

Ever experienced meeting the wrong person in ur dream? Hehe.. i had mine.. Turned my sweet sweet dreams into nightmare.. Haiz... Is this some kind of bad omen? Who knows...

Well... A level is over...And instead of expecting it, i dunno y, but i am having more fear then happiness.. Why do i have that shaky feeling? Why is it that i am feeling the time is filling in between us?

Eew.. hate this shaky feeling.. Arrgg.. Why do i always keep myself alway from this topic? i guess i am just too afraid of the consequences, too afraid to let my brain sweep through my memories once again, too afraid to get disappointed again..

Well i guess now i shall focus on my coming common test.. Shall let the little river of mine, to remain calm and steady for the time being...

Hey, my dear, finali ur A level is over=) Enjoy k? All the best for u in finding ur job.. Take care=) me shall go for my lesson now.. Hehe...

Tough time...

2008-11-20T04:44:00.001-08:00

Recently isnt have been great for me... Tooo much fear has gripped me.. Not allowing me to show my true self.. Arrgg... Tough times.. But i will get it right some how...

Arrgg....

Nitex and sweet dreams honey=))

hi..

2008-11-05T09:54:00.000-08:00

Hi dear... Its been a long long time since i blog.. Reali got no time.. Been pretty busy this few weeks... Jus wanna drop by, wishing u all the best for ur A level... Hehe... Must Ganbatte k? Honey dreamssss=)

You know something? I reali miss u alot.. I reali miss my Jc life.. I dunno why i gave up my Jc life... Haiz.. Why do i have so many regrets in life? Nevertheless, i am happy to have u=) Take care dear.. haiz...

Walking with u-hand in hand=D

2008-10-09T08:49:00.000-07:00

HI dear... First of all, all the best for ur coming A's... Must work hard k? Jiayou!=D

Haiz... This hols seriously has been my reflections hols... Every night, i keep thinking of all this things that has occurred around me.. And, it has left me with great regrets...

First of all, is Ping.. I dunno why, but it seems that Ping has changed.. No longer the nice Ping i met.. i wanted to explain to Ping, but it doesnt seems to works already.. HAiz.. In the end, i decided to avoid seeing Ping.. I dun wish to hurt Ping, or get hurt... Recently, i went for a camp, jus nice is with Ping.. But everything has change.. I totally got no words to say to Ping.. So in the end, i left the camp after the first day... That night, i reali reali dunno wad to say... I kept recalling about those times, when our frenship is still... Haiz.. I know i shouldnt do this, i know Ping cries easily, but do u know, other then my dear, u r the second one whom i shed tears? Do u know? DO U KNOW? How i wish everything can be lik before... But its impossible now, i guess...

The second thing i regretted, was giving up my Jc life... Damn.. I shouldnt have listened to some people... No, its has onli me to be blamed.. For stupidly giving up my Jc life at the 8th months of my JC... Shyt shyt shyt shyt.. I reali reali regretted.. I finalli realised, i have been stupid enough to waste one year of my life, no in fact its 2 years now.. =(

But nthing gonna change... There is no turning back.. I jus haf to packed up my mixed feelings..
I jus haf to pray, that this path that i have chosen, is what the lord has been planning for me.. I shall live the most out of it..
AND most importantly..

I shall treasure my dear, u treat me the best=D and i will never forget euuuuuu=D

Have a great night k? sweet dreams and take care=D cya in lala land=D

Hi...

2008-10-03T10:25:00.000-07:00

Hey dear.. I cant blog much nowaday.... Was reali packed with my activities... Srry=( but once the school starts, i will have more time! Well, jus to let u know, nowadays, i have been training on my pool.. Reali very very hard=D And tks for ur encouragements, it reali helps alot=D Oh.. A level is coming, so do work hard k? I will be supporting u all the time, any troubles, any stress, my phone is available for u=D SO cheers!! Hehe...

Take care dear, and honey dreams=D Missing u, Arrggg=D

Wad am i doing?

2008-09-12T09:00:00.000-07:00

This few days, i am rather emo.. I realised, all this while, i always says i have a dream.. i have a goal.. But wad have i achieved so far, to proved that i am nearing my goal? I realised, its nothing... Two years, its been 2 years since o level.. Time pass so fast.. So fast that i have been left behinh, stagnant in this mess for 2 years.. Many things have occurred, many lessons learnt, but i am still the same.. The stubborn-headed me is still here, right at the spot where i left my secondary school.. Haiz..

Next, my church has sent me a letter... To welcome me back.. I guess its pretty welcoming.. But, the thing is, my parents have never allowed me to be a Christian?! I sneaked to church.. I dun go as and when i wan to?! But who will understand? I dun meant to skipped church, i dont... Do i defy my parents and go church? I guess no one understand this, unless u reali experienced it... So this letter, has kind of caused me pretty much disturbance.. And i had to lied about evrything... Damn, i feel so crapped now...

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

When i see my Dear studying so hard for exam, when i see my fren trying to grab hold of an opportunity to earn money for his school fees, when i see some fren of mine, managed to wake up early in the morning to do gym, in order to maintain his fitness...
Then... i look at myself...
What have i done? Nthing significant... Haiz..
I reali wonder how my future will be? =(
Regrets are words within my mind now... So many of them... Haiz...

Well, Dear... JIAYOU for ur prelims k? i know u can do it=D U r the smartest, so dun be so stressed k? Hehe.. Take care and honey dreams????!!!!! Hehe.. Nite Nite.=D

OMG

2008-09-05T10:45:00.000-07:00

I REAli cant stop tinking of you=D

GD NITE DEAR=D TAKE CARE AND HONEY DREAMS=D CYA IN LALA LAND!!! HEHE

I reali reali reali reali miss euuuuuu<333333

Miss u...

2008-08-31T09:38:00.000-07:00

Hmmx... Dunno y, but suddenly miss u.. NItex sweetie, take care and sweet dreams=D

Must jiayou for ur A level hor=D

Hehe..

Pokes=D

2008-08-29T10:02:00.000-07:00

Hi dear... Its finali a term break for u=D Must take care k? This few days, i had been tinking of alot of stuff... hahaz..

OK , slp tight and hoey dreams.. tAke care dear=p

Hmmx...

2008-08-28T19:18:00.000-07:00

Today is teacher's day celebration... Hahaz... Told my fren abt it, and he said, since when got teacher's day celebration... Yup, its been a long time since...

Well... Jus wanna drop by, to say may all things goes smoothly for my dear today=D Take care and use this opportunity to rest k? Dun too stress.. Take care sweeitee=)

I suddenly miss ur eyes....

2008-08-26T09:27:00.000-07:00

Reali miss having night studies during last year... The time, where the usual few of us will stay together and study, chat, laugh, and then pool!! Haz.. NBm....

Dear, dear, dear... Have an early nitex... I can sensed that u are pretty stressed especially when the Dates are drawing nearer and nearer... Must take care of ur health leh.. Dun be so stressed... Reali hurts me when i see u so stressed up.. Well.. sweet dreams and take care dear!!

Hehe... MIss U leh....DUnno y, i suddenly keep thinking of ur eyes..=P

hahaz=D

Hehe...

2008-08-24T09:31:00.000-07:00

I love u dear.. Sweet dreams and take care=P

ARRR...

2008-08-21T09:33:00.000-07:00

U know something? Theere is this small little feeling in my heart that is rather uncomfortable.. And i wan to spill it out...

I REALI MISS U!

grr... Nid concentrate for my last paper!

Nitex dear, and sweetie dreams.. Hehe.. TAke care=P

This is so not my day...

2008-08-19T05:17:00.000-07:00

U know something?

I tried my best to study thermalphysic.. And guess wad? I may get zero for today's paper.. Damn crap.. When i hand up the paper, i could reali sense my tears deep within my heart..
Sad already..

Then after boarding the bus, i saw this fren of mine at the busstop.. I saw this fren msging.. And i called to say hi.. And u know wad? This fren, actuali hung up my call... Reali very disappointed... Damn sad + Reali disappointed = Screwed day..

Tks...

So dear.. Hows ur chem test today? Hope is not reali too hard.. Well slp tight k? Sweet dreams and take care=P

Today is reali a very bad day for me..

I

MISS

U

a

lot

suddenly!

Moon..

2008-08-17T08:29:00.001-07:00

Hmmx.. Today's moon reali very pretty.. Got a pic of it, but i dunno how to upload my moon up the blog.. Hehe.

Today, while waiting for my bus, i was kinda looking up the sky, and guess wad? i saw this pretty moon up above... I kinda stare at the moon.. Cuz it was very pretty.. The moon, is round.. And high up in the dark sky, it gives off the gentle and smooth shimmering light.. Indeed lovely..
JUs the exact same feeling as seeing u.. Wosh...

Was kind of caught in a dazed till my dad smack me on my head.. Frankly speaking, if my dad didnt nidge me, i would have stayed there for hours.. Cuz the moon kind of reflects the happy moments that we have, the moments where i see ur pretty smile.. Reali glad to have these wonderful memories.. Hope we will have more wonderful moments to add to my memories.

Today, i have decided.. To let go of all this unhappiness within this three weeks.. Its time, where i start to take off.. from the place where i am once stuck.. I shall start by getting my academics path right, by getting As for my final semester tests... I shall get back my life, my hope, my goals, my confidences, my smiles, my precious moments with u..

U also must study hard.. Tuesday is ur chem test.. Must study reali very hard! Jiayou! But do have sufficient rest too.. Take care.. Smile always, for ur smile always bring joy to ppl who revolves around u. Take care and slp tight... =)

Thank you dear.. Tks..

Turning point.

2008-08-16T10:04:00.000-07:00

Well.. i Just came across this email.. And i am rather touched by this email.. I have also realised that i have kinda lose touch with God... Though i prayed to him everyday, i realised i am not reali very sincere.. Partially because i was disheartened by all the things happen around me.. It has all been moving real quickly and cruelly.. I am reali sorry=(

'Lord, I love you and I need you, come into my heart, and bless me, my family, my home, and my friends, in Jesus' name. Amen.'

Tks God for everything, the path that u has molded for me...

As usual, jus wanna wish u have an early nitex and dun be tooo stress upwith ur academics.. I am sure u can score pretty well for ur As.. Jia you! Slp tight and honey dreams.. Take care= )

Gosh.. back to study... Need toothpicks for my eyes le..

Die liao...

2008-08-15T09:55:00.000-07:00

Now i realise something... I am reali very behind time.. As in for school work.. And its reali tiring to... to... cover the important topics which i missed for the past two weeks.. Now, i jus have to bite my way through this harsh time and mug all the way..

My feelings now, i am actuali quite tensed and worried now.. Wad if, i am unable to ans the questions? Oh my.. For each question is lik 8 to 10 marks... Is either u get it correct or u get it wrong.. And there is no second chance.. My heart is actuali flustering.. Am i able to pull through..

I suddenly feel tat i am a failure.. In everything that i do.. Haiz.. I hope its not too late for me to pray=(

I miss u.. Nitex and slp tight.. Take care..

Jus dropping by...

2008-08-15T00:58:00.000-07:00

Dear, enjoy ur lunch bah... Take care and all the best for ur studies... DUn get too stress too.. Take care...

Frowning

2008-08-13T22:38:00.000-07:00

What are u tinking now? Hmmx..

Enjoy ur lunch and all the best for ur studies.. Have a great day too..

Take care...

Me...

2008-08-13T02:48:00.000-07:00

Hi dear... Wanna msg u, but i think i rather drop u a msg over here... Dun wanna bother u study.. Enjoy ur dinner and all the best for ur lessons, revision and everything...

Hmmx.. I miss u.. Good lukie..

YESSSSSSSSS!!

2008-08-11T23:32:00.001-07:00

Dear, dear, dear, dear,dear,dear... Wow... Its been a long time since i have been calling u dear happily.. Tks... U know something? Last night is the first night where i reali slpt peacefully.. I was reali reali exhuasted, when i finalli gets everything out of my mind, i jus slpt and slpt.. Tks dear..

How have u been? Ur msg mentioned that u werent too gud.. Maybe u can share with me when the time is ripe.. Reali hope that u will not cry in future.. Reali hope that there aint any more obstacles in the near future, at least till ur A's is over..

Recently, i watched the movie, money not enough 2.. The show is about this grandma, she was being treated as a burden.. Her three sons dont want to take care of her, and they sent her to old folks home... She was very very very sad. But she live strong.. But when she realised that her survival will caused her grand daughter to die, she remove her oxygen mask herself and suicided.. This part is very very touching.. It made me drop tears in the cinema.. I tried to stop myself from being so weak.. But the tears kept streaming down.. Yes..I cried.. But i cry not beause of the show, i cried but because of all this incident that happens all around me.. I realise i was too numb to react.. So when i started crying over some touching scenes, i would not stop crying.. Haz... And my parents concsole me, saying this is onli a show... Haz..

When i see ur msg, i was also rather numb at first.. I dunno how to react, i dunno if this is jus a msg to console me.. BUt after a short nap, i have decided to follow my gut feeling.. I dunno if what i choose to believe is correct.. But lik wad he has said, follow ur guts feeling and u will not have any regrets.. Tks for ur listening ear... U has been a great aid to me.. Tks alot...

Now i shall reali reali focus on my studies.. Its time i start revising this two weeks studies.. Its time i prepare for my coming exams in lik less then 7 days..

Gan batte!! Jiayou in jap..
I love u...
Wishing u all the best in ur studies and coming mock test too.. Take care...

Miss u=(

2008-08-09T10:08:00.000-07:00

I reali reali miss u alot... Today, is the last day of ndp, but i couldnt let my mind stop thinking abt u.. I will remember the time where no matter how busy i am while ushering those ppl, i will still msg u... But today, my phone did not even bother to nudge without u..=(

I MISS U BADLY=(

Emo-ing....

Tired beat..

2008-08-08T19:04:00.000-07:00

Today shall be my last day of ndp show... DUnno if i am able to bring out the smile of mine, from the deepest heart of mine.. I have also started feeling tired already...

That day, i dunno why, but it seems that my hand went out of control and send u a msg.. And i was very surprised by the way u reply back.. It was a pleasant msg.. BUt hor, i jus feel very hurt...

Yesterday, i wanted to ask u about everything, as today is a public hols, so it wont affect u much.. I wanted to ask a thousand, a million WHY, but i jus not daring enuf to send it to u.. Call me coward bah... REali REali cant stand this.. Maybe i should stop msging, so that i can stop seeing hope, so that we can go separate ways, so that i wont feel so freaking exhuasted, so that i can start concentrating on my studies, so that u can truly be happy...

NBm... Dun wanna get too emo, if not later cant smile at all... BB...

Hope u enjoy ur holiday... Take care-Fren

I want u...

2008-08-05T21:42:00.001-07:00

Damn... Life has been lifeless for me... Seriously, its lik meaningless.. Everyday, i jus forgo everything.. Jus forcing myself to concentrate on pool to avoid stupid thoughts... But last night, i reali couldnt stand it.. I, got the urge, to msg u.. Asking if there is still possibility.. But in the end,the msg ended in my draft again..

I cant believe i have actuali come to such circumstances, unknowingly, that i have numb myself with pool... Everyday, at least 4 hrs of pool...

I miss u.. I miss u.. I want u back in my arms.. Tearx are jus part of my life... Pool are jus something in which i numb myself with, u are always in my mind every single second..

I hate this feeling.. I hate it.. Darn...

My life..

2008-08-03T04:59:00.000-07:00

Finali.. I managed to close my eyes, let my mind to keep still for the past 18 hrs of long nice slp... Yesterday had ndp preview.. It was rather tiring and exhuasting for me...

In the afternoon, i met my group members.. Everyone was chatting happily, and i jus gave them some forceful smile of mine.. I did not reali talk much that day.. Our army personal -AJ- says we have this trend, that is to onli start smiling non stop at the ending of the show, but not since the starting... Hahaz... and i laugh..

However, when my job starts, seeing the crowd, i reali reali feel lik smiling.. But i dunno y, my cheeks are just too tired.. It is onli when i saw this malay couple, they were grinning face to face, and even say a Hi to me..=p Maybe its because of this warm feeling, for the rest of the hours, i started smiling.. In my mind- i wanted ppl who come for this NDP show not to feel grumpy over the long hours of waiting under the sun, so i smiled and smiled.. Normally, when i see ppl, even though they are strangers, i will smile at them.. I believe its my trait..

But hor.. That night, my cheek was feeling very very tired.. I came to realise that when ur heart is not smiling, not matter how sweet ur smile to others, it will still be very tiring... At least for me.. Haiz... Smile, is something which can makes ppl feel different.. Expressions are given to us for such reason... when u find no reason to smile, it means that ur heart is broken or u dun find any thing worth to smile...

Just when i tink my life is dead, he came to my rescue...

On my way home, my church mate called.. She asked me what happen to me, cuz i so long never go for fellowship.. I told her i got NDP, so saturday isnt free for me till after 9th of August.. She heaved a sigh of relieve upon hearing this... DUnno y, but my heart suddenly feel some warmth.. After which, she asked about things that have troubled me, and i just told her i am tired of life... Surprisingly, she did a short prayer immediately over the phone!.. I was lik wow.. Stun u noe.. Frankly speaking, i do not know her name, but hor, i got a strong feeling.. That is she was sent by god, to me-telling me not to gif up, for He will always be with me, despite the heaviest rain.. Tks God...

At night, when i reached home, i immediately fell aslp after bathing.. I slpt through the whole of sunday.. I guess i was too tired of everything...

Reali miss u leh.. I dunno y though.. I keep wanting to msg u.. But i am reali reali very scared..

NItex, sweet dreams dear, hope by not msging u, ur life wil be better off.. Though mine will not be better.. Take care and all the best for ur coming tests..

=( my heart is still tearing, bead by bead, flowing down the curve edges of my heart..

Drip, drip,drip=(

Life sucks...

2008-07-31T09:06:00.001-07:00

Today is not a good day.. Especially when u did not slp for the past 96 hours.. Reali feeling very exhausted le... Play pool for 8 hours today.. First 2 hours was a pain.. Missing every single shot(Far shot which needs concentration) And when i thought i should go off, this guy challenged me to a match... He got his cue and glove while i onli brought my glove.. He was kinda arrogant in front of his gal which kinda pissed me off.. Though i know i cant even keep my dear, u shouldnt be picking me to make u feel happie.. So, I decided to throw away all ugly thoughts, all my distraction, and concentrate...

Boom... I break the ball, two ball went in.. Two solid ball.. As usual, i will go for the one with more left over... The stripes placing was good,-no, should be perfect.. I can see every dotted line on the table jus lik playing computer.. Slowly, calmly, i took every single shot, with great care... The first push and i can feel the soft tap hitting at the tip of my cuestick, the ball moving slowly but with a solid direction where it is going... And i score!!!! Every single motion seems so perfect..Same goes for the second shot, the third shot and so on...

Gradually, i realised something, i am aiming at my black ball now=P I looked at the fellow in his eye, and without blinking, i point to the last pocket-initating my last ball direction(without mercy)

When i aimed, i slowly push out my cue, letting it hit the ball, i thought i could feel the guy screaming, when...
The black ball fitted nicely into the pocket! Yes... Oh my... The guy din even get a freaking chance to touch my table..Best..

I stared at him, not grinning, not smiling, and i told him its over.. His expression-wanted to smile but cant- reali pissed me off.. From the moment he stared at me practicing my ball, he should have known not to picked me.. Though i am weak, though i am useless, but when come to pool, i think u should consider twice.. As for his gf, i do not reali care how she feel.. Maybe she tinks that i shold have given his bf face.. But so? Am i nice to be bully when i am emo-ing?

Then without saying another word, even a bye, i racked the ball and started on my own game...

Even though i have won him, i did not even smile.. Though its rare when i can complete a game without letting an opponent touch the table, i feel empty... I feel lik crying out.. I reali do not know y...

Now, i have no aim, no goal.. Jus a useless freak.. I have to start everything from scratch.. From getting a true smile to making my day filled with rainbow.. I know its hard. i know it seems impossible..

Oh, while typing this, i suddenly thought about my ndp group mate.. She once told me she got two realtionship, but its that they are just short term.. i asked how, then u must be feeling very bad... But in the end, her reply was used to it can le.. what the... I guessed in this world, relationship for teenagers are so common that it has become a game... Haiz..

I shouldnt start thinking le.. I very scared my tears will run dry...

Nitex... Sweet dreams dear..I mean fren.. Take care.. No matter what, u should be happy all the time! Take care...

E-M-O

2008-07-30T09:55:00.000-07:00

Today, is my third day without slp.. I believed that i am stupid, i am foolish.. I wanted to stop, but its way beyond my control.. For 3 nitex, i kept myself busy with presentaion. When i am done, i could feel my heavy eyelids dropping down.. But when i finaly rested in my bed, it flashes in my mind again.. Screwed, and my eyes feeling warm again..

Today, i did my presentation, and my part was about jail. I even mentioned that jail, is a place where u have the most of the time in which u can think of ur past, ur wrong doings. It is also because of these thoughts which can amend a person.. I was thinking, it seems lik i am in jail too.. Everynight, staring at the ceiling, a reverie of flash backs keep appearing in my mind, again and again.. I wanted to fight bthem back, but to no avail.. In the end, tears jus welled out of my lifeless eye...

I reali reali reali miss u alot...

Jus now i received ur msg.. "there havent beean a day which i have forgotten about u".. Hahaz.. This sentence seems so sweet, but, upon placing this line in our situation, all i can say is ' Nice lo..'

I wanted to reply u, badly.. But, alot of questions keep popping out in my mind.. I typed a whole list of msg, but i saved it in my draft.. Cuz i am afraid to make u tears again.. I wanted to reply" Go slp bah.. Tmr still got school.." But i paused again, reason being, i dun wan u to think too much.. So in the end, i made up my mind, that is not to reply u..

I dunno how u will feel, but to me, i tink its the best, in case i accidentally say any single word that is too harsh to u, in case, i make u tears again...

Played pool yesterday and today... I lost to my classmate that i long wanted to beat.. Today, i lost every single match no matter how much i focus... I guessed, my smiles, my heart are the key to why i enjoyed playing pool.. Ever since i lost my true smile, my tender heart to u, i have lost even my most enjoyable game.. Best..... I guess, i should jus throw my cuestick, my gloves into my storeroom, never to touch them again...

I reali miss playing pool with my heart and smile equipped.. I have now changed... Change to a person who play to trash another person.. Play to get... I cant believe i actually typed all this.. U made me realised, How dumb of me to actuali gif my whole heart to someone...Once again, i shall spam this song" because of u" again and again. But nevertheless, i still do not regret... For God has his path for me.. And i believe this is just part of my lesson- though the cost of this lesson is very very high...

I miss u, and i tell u, i reali need u.. Nitex, sweet dreams and take care..=( Smile too.. As usual, i shall keep u in my prayer, for having great health, great frens around u and great smile that bring joys to everyone u met in ur life!

I do not noe how long i can grab a hold of myself, but i shall endure...

Slpless nitex once again... If onli this is all a dream....

Life...

2008-07-28T08:01:00.000-07:00

My life seems to be going haywire... Is lik everything seems to go wrong...

Early in the morning, i woke up, feeling empty, unmotivated by anything, i walk slowly to school, do my proj silently... Then i was feeling agitated when wad i was trying to say does not ring a bell to my grp mates.. So i decided to keep quiet...

Later, at around 8 p.m, my grp mates finali realised wad i was trying to say, but we are too tired to do, so in the end, our conclusion is act that we do not know... Nice right?

My whole life seems so restless... It seems lik i have lost my soul... Wanted to go back to church this few days, but i am reali packed...

Now, i declare.. I shall be strong.. I shall not care about u.. I shall be cold...

Haiz... NItex sweetie.. Sweet dreams, and take care...

Damn..

Its tiring u know- MENTALLY=(

2008-07-26T09:57:00.000-07:00

Hmmx... Today was peaceful.. My soul, my mind was pretty calm, jus lik the sea breeze gently blowing against the surface of the ocean, causing smooth ripples along its route.. Not because i was happy, not because everything thing was back to normal, is just that i have managed to tidy up my feelings... i think..

At night, i still cant reali get to slp immediately.. The feeling is jus not right.. Without ur msg, without ur presence... But i guess i will get used to it.. Someone from my cca once said, the price of good stuff is that u gotta wait.. i hope i will get it back one day.. >.<

Seriously, this time round, u made me realised something.. That i am reali emotionally weak.. Cant withstand even a single hit.. My Hi club instructor was commenting, saying that i look very scary when i dont smile.. So i tried to smile, but my cheeks wont moved.. Cuz i couldnt find any reason to laugh any more.. I tried smiling at the camera, but my smile looked so fake.. Maybe, this is what ppl meant by empty smile...

On friday, which is yesterday, was this performance for Hi club closing ceremony... i was truly amazed by the power of handsign... Each class manage to sign out the whole song very smoothly and nicely.. Cool.. However, when coming to the climax, is the high school musical song.. i was trying to enjoy, but sadness overwhelmed me.. Cuz the songs remind me of u...

On my way home, my fren told me, she cried in class for no reason... And this reminds me of the past few hours, she has been smiling... However, her smile are not as pure... I am reali reali afraid that my smile will forever become so fake...

Haiz.. This is life, and we have to admit it... Once done, there is no turning back, so to my fren and myself, wadever thats' past, we jus leave it behind bah... And pray that we will have better future..

Small miracle that delights me

2008-07-24T06:07:00.000-07:00

3rd time today... Seems like i reali have nthing better to do... Jus now, i prayed sincerely, and i am reali surprised whith god's miracle... Just now i reali couldnt study, couldnt concentrate , so i prayed to god.. asking for a pieceful mind from 4pm to 8 pm, to let me prepare for my jap.. And guess what! After talking to my fren, i dunno y, but i suddenly felt more calm.. After which, another fren of mine, ask me for dinner.. So i went.. we had dinner and i studied at the same time, unknowningly.. wow.. After which, i went for my jap class and i actualli managed to hav a calm mind to finish my exam paper 20 min before the time ends!

Thank you lord for answering my prayer, for pulling me up from this mess...Maybe after all, i should jus take things one step at a time, slowly... Now, i have got no time to lose, gotta study for math test, for chemistry test as well as rehearse for Hi club performances..

And jus now, while walking home in the rain, i have thought, whats done, done.. There shall not be any turning back now.. I shall walk the path that my lord has specially opened for me.. Be greatful, and without any tears i hope...

Anyway, cant msg u tonight and i felt uneasy... My as well as typed here.. Gal, nitex and slp tight. The night is cold, do snuggle comfortably in ur thick blankets. And all the best for ur tests tmr too! sweet dreams...

haiz

Bored

2008-07-23T23:16:00.000-07:00

2nd time loggin today... Reached school at 8.. but till now, haven even attend a single lesson.. best... Originally wanna study for jap test de, but in the end, my mind cant even remember a single phrase. Suddenly everything seems so hard, so complicated.. That my brain aint fast enough to work.. After a while, my brain started floating to else where again... and my tears started rolling down again...

Crapped... Then suddenly, my fren call, y u not going for lesson? is not i wan pon de, is i know even if i go, i will also be dreaming away.. my brain is not working, then wad can i do? Gonna fail my final jap exam.. yea, maybe i should jus skip the test and get a straight zero instead.

Sometime reali wonder, why does god gives us feelings? Is that a blessing or a blessing in disguise? Nice.. i dunno y, i thought i am able to cope with my emotions, cope with such small matters. but i cant even do it..

My fren ask me play pool.. Pool leh.. the only activity that will cheer me up when i am most upset de, but today i actuali decline.. Something reali wrong with me..

I dunno y, but i realised i have been very childish. So childish that i thought i was matured enough to decide on what i was doing.. My judgement.. i now too have doubts for my judgement..
What does this makes me now?Maybe i reali haf to tink through thoroughly...

I dont feel anger, i dont feel tired, and i told myself not to be sad..
But tears jus seems out of my control.. Hahaz(useless me)

Praying.....

S-H-A-T-T-E-R-E-D

2008-07-23T17:00:00.000-07:00

HAHAz.... Ironically, i tinks that i will create a different blog from others, a blog without sadness, without complains.. But in the end, my first post ended up a not a very happy post. This blog created specially for u, but it ends up being a blog which held memories for u.. Ironic right?

Yesterday went for investiture.. Everything went smoothly, my dear was as pretty as ever.. Her smile manage to throw away all my burdens at that moment.( Includes 4 presentation and 6 tests, HI club performances, ndp shows) everything went smmothly.. Real smoothly.. As usual we took photos and smiles. Everything happens so quickly and smoothly..

After which, i even cabbed back to Np to meet out with my group members for proj. Feeling high, feeling refreshed by ur smile, i managed to endure through the whole 3.5 hours.. Tks dear..

But when i reached home, things started to go wrong.. My dear ended up sending me a msg. A msg which stops me from doing anything. A msg which stunned me instantly.. A msg which turns my mind into empty space.. (vacuum) hahaz..

i wanted to reply harshly, i wanted to argue, i wanted to ask why, a thousand why, a million why.., i want a good ans.. But in the end, i jus decided to let it go.. Why? Cuz previously i heard that she got 3 tests on friday, and i dun wanna spoil her mood.. i want her to concentrate in her tests.. Stupid of me right? hahaz.(lets laugh at me)

That night, is reali very cold. Very silent... I was pretty tired.. My eyelids are heavy, i wanted to slp badly.. But i couldnt.. i dunno why.. beats me.. when i tossed and turn on the bed, i realised something wet, something cold is rolling down my face. Haz. Its been lik how long since i last saw my beads of tears? Now i reali know what ppl means by having sleepless night... As i look blankly at the ceiling, i tried to pushed away all thoughts from my mind, and pray and pray.. Hoping that all this is just a joke or a dream.. But it never happens.. I have also experienced my heart being compressed that very night. The tinge of sadness. Its lik someone trying to stuff ur heart into a small box.. its so uncomfortable, its so... i seriously thinks that its way beyond description. Its hurt to a extent, where i tot it will stop beating.. NOW, i know the feeling of having a shattered heart.

Right now, i keep telling myself, i have to be strong.. i must not be beaten.. i must at least endure this few weeks, till my final exam has passed, till my last NDP show is over, before i can break down... Before i can released my emotions lik a small baby.. But u think is that easy?

Thinking back, i wanna laugh... Everything seems so familiar.. Is jus lik marcus incident.. Reali... Right now, i have prayed.. i believe GOD will built me a small box, in which i can keep away all my smiles, all my happiness that i have with u.. Nailed it down with every drop of my tears within my heart... And let the box drop way within my heart...

Wa... reali stunned by the amount of wordss that i have typed... I also realised, emo ppl are good writers.

When i looked into ur eyes,
happiness flooded within me...
When i looked into ur eyes,
my worries and burden all vanished into thin air...
When i looked into ur eyes,
i see all hopes and light...

But now,
i dun even dare to look into ur eyes...
i dun even dare to tink about u...
i dun even dare to open my heart for u again...

Aimlessly, i walked through the night,
with tears in my eyes..
i pressed against my chest,
worringing that u might even stole my heart away...
Luckily is still beating, slowly, restlessly...

For now...
i shall be a bird with broken wings,
always looking at the sky..
waiting for u to pick me back...
back to the times where we had our happy moments..

For now...
i shall be a wooden piece of block,
lifeless, smileless,
till u return me my heart..

For now...

2008-05-23T03:54:00.001-07:00

YO :D my blog credits to man ling wahahhaha