Today is not a good day.. Especially when u did not slp for the past 96 hours.. Reali feeling very exhausted le... Play pool for 8 hours today.. First 2 hours was a pain.. Missing every single shot(Far shot which needs concentration) And when i thought i should go off, this guy challenged me to a match... He got his cue and glove while i onli brought my glove.. He was kinda arrogant in front of his gal which kinda pissed me off.. Though i know i cant even keep my dear, u shouldnt be picking me to make u feel happie.. So, I decided to throw away all ugly thoughts, all my distraction, and concentrate...

Boom... I break the ball, two ball went in.. Two solid ball.. As usual, i will go for the one with more left over... The stripes placing was good,-no, should be perfect.. I can see every dotted line on the table jus lik playing computer.. Slowly, calmly, i took every single shot, with great care... The first push and i can feel the soft tap hitting at the tip of my cuestick, the ball moving slowly but with a solid direction where it is going... And i score!!!! Every single motion seems so perfect..Same goes for the second shot, the third shot and so on...

Gradually, i realised something, i am aiming at my black ball now=P I looked at the fellow in his eye, and without blinking, i point to the last pocket-initating my last ball direction(without mercy)

When i aimed, i slowly push out my cue, letting it hit the ball, i thought i could feel the guy screaming, when...
The black ball fitted nicely into the pocket! Yes... Oh my... The guy din even get a freaking chance to touch my table..Best..

I stared at him, not grinning, not smiling, and i told him its over.. His expression-wanted to smile but cant- reali pissed me off.. From the moment he stared at me practicing my ball, he should have known not to picked me.. Though i am weak, though i am useless, but when come to pool, i think u should consider twice.. As for his gf, i do not reali care how she feel.. Maybe she tinks that i shold have given his bf face.. But so? Am i nice to be bully when i am emo-ing?

Then without saying another word, even a bye, i racked the ball and started on my own game...

Even though i have won him, i did not even smile.. Though its rare when i can complete a game without letting an opponent touch the table, i feel empty... I feel lik crying out.. I reali do not know y...

Now, i have no aim, no goal.. Jus a useless freak.. I have to start everything from scratch.. From getting a true smile to making my day filled with rainbow.. I know its hard. i know it seems impossible..

Oh, while typing this, i suddenly thought about my ndp group mate.. She once told me she got two realtionship, but its that they are just short term.. i asked how, then u must be feeling very bad... But in the end, her reply was used to it can le.. what the... I guessed in this world, relationship for teenagers are so common that it has become a game... Haiz..

I shouldnt start thinking le.. I very scared my tears will run dry...

Nitex... Sweet dreams dear..I mean fren.. Take care.. No matter what, u should be happy all the time! Take care...

Labels: I shall be strong

Today, is my third day without slp.. I believed that i am stupid, i am foolish.. I wanted to stop, but its way beyond my control.. For 3 nitex, i kept myself busy with presentaion. When i am done, i could feel my heavy eyelids dropping down.. But when i finaly rested in my bed, it flashes in my mind again.. Screwed, and my eyes feeling warm again..

Today, i did my presentation, and my part was about jail. I even mentioned that jail, is a place where u have the most of the time in which u can think of ur past, ur wrong doings. It is also because of these thoughts which can amend a person.. I was thinking, it seems lik i am in jail too.. Everynight, staring at the ceiling, a reverie of flash backs keep appearing in my mind, again and again.. I wanted to fight bthem back, but to no avail.. In the end, tears jus welled out of my lifeless eye...

I reali reali reali miss u alot...

Jus now i received ur msg.. "there havent beean a day which i have forgotten about u".. Hahaz.. This sentence seems so sweet, but, upon placing this line in our situation, all i can say is ' Nice lo..'

I wanted to reply u, badly.. But, alot of questions keep popping out in my mind.. I typed a whole list of msg, but i saved it in my draft.. Cuz i am afraid to make u tears again.. I wanted to reply" Go slp bah.. Tmr still got school.." But i paused again, reason being, i dun wan u to think too much.. So in the end, i made up my mind, that is not to reply u..

I dunno how u will feel, but to me, i tink its the best, in case i accidentally say any single word that is too harsh to u, in case, i make u tears again...

Played pool yesterday and today... I lost to my classmate that i long wanted to beat.. Today, i lost every single match no matter how much i focus... I guessed, my smiles, my heart are the key to why i enjoyed playing pool.. Ever since i lost my true smile, my tender heart to u, i have lost even my most enjoyable game.. Best..... I guess, i should jus throw my cuestick, my gloves into my storeroom, never to touch them again...

I reali miss playing pool with my heart and smile equipped.. I have now changed... Change to a person who play to trash another person.. Play to get... I cant believe i actually typed all this.. U made me realised, How dumb of me to actuali gif my whole heart to someone...Once again, i shall spam this song" because of u" again and again. But nevertheless, i still do not regret... For God has his path for me.. And i believe this is just part of my lesson- though the cost of this lesson is very very high...

I miss u, and i tell u, i reali need u.. Nitex, sweet dreams and take care..=( Smile too.. As usual, i shall keep u in my prayer, for having great health, great frens around u and great smile that bring joys to everyone u met in ur life!

I do not noe how long i can grab a hold of myself, but i shall endure...

Slpless nitex once again... If onli this is all a dream....

Labels: I shall be strong

My life seems to be going haywire... Is lik everything seems to go wrong...

Early in the morning, i woke up, feeling empty, unmotivated by anything, i walk slowly to school, do my proj silently... Then i was feeling agitated when wad i was trying to say does not ring a bell to my grp mates.. So i decided to keep quiet...

Later, at around 8 p.m, my grp mates finali realised wad i was trying to say, but we are too tired to do, so in the end, our conclusion is act that we do not know... Nice right?

My whole life seems so restless... It seems lik i have lost my soul... Wanted to go back to church this few days, but i am reali packed...

Now, i declare.. I shall be strong.. I shall not care about u.. I shall be cold...

Haiz... NItex sweetie.. Sweet dreams, and take care...

Damn..

Labels: I shall be strong

Hmmx... Today was peaceful.. My soul, my mind was pretty calm, jus lik the sea breeze gently blowing against the surface of the ocean, causing smooth ripples along its route.. Not because i was happy, not because everything thing was back to normal, is just that i have managed to tidy up my feelings... i think..

At night, i still cant reali get to slp immediately.. The feeling is jus not right.. Without ur msg, without ur presence... But i guess i will get used to it.. Someone from my cca once said, the price of good stuff is that u gotta wait.. i hope i will get it back one day.. >.<

Seriously, this time round, u made me realised something.. That i am reali emotionally weak.. Cant withstand even a single hit.. My Hi club instructor was commenting, saying that i look very scary when i dont smile.. So i tried to smile, but my cheeks wont moved.. Cuz i couldnt find any reason to laugh any more.. I tried smiling at the camera, but my smile looked so fake.. Maybe, this is what ppl meant by empty smile...

On friday, which is yesterday, was this performance for Hi club closing ceremony... i was truly amazed by the power of handsign... Each class manage to sign out the whole song very smoothly and nicely.. Cool.. However, when coming to the climax, is the high school musical song.. i was trying to enjoy, but sadness overwhelmed me.. Cuz the songs remind me of u...

On my way home, my fren told me, she cried in class for no reason... And this reminds me of the past few hours, she has been smiling... However, her smile are not as pure... I am reali reali afraid that my smile will forever become so fake...

Haiz.. This is life, and we have to admit it... Once done, there is no turning back, so to my fren and myself, wadever thats' past, we jus leave it behind bah... And pray that we will have better future..

Labels: I shall be strong

3rd time today... Seems like i reali have nthing better to do... Jus now, i prayed sincerely, and i am reali surprised whith god's miracle... Just now i reali couldnt study, couldnt concentrate , so i prayed to god.. asking for a pieceful mind from 4pm to 8 pm, to let me prepare for my jap.. And guess what! After talking to my fren, i dunno y, but i suddenly felt more calm.. After which, another fren of mine, ask me for dinner.. So i went.. we had dinner and i studied at the same time, unknowningly.. wow.. After which, i went for my jap class and i actualli managed to hav a calm mind to finish my exam paper 20 min before the time ends!

Thank you lord for answering my prayer, for pulling me up from this mess...Maybe after all, i should jus take things one step at a time, slowly... Now, i have got no time to lose, gotta study for math test, for chemistry test as well as rehearse for Hi club performances..

And jus now, while walking home in the rain, i have thought, whats done, done.. There shall not be any turning back now.. I shall walk the path that my lord has specially opened for me.. Be greatful, and without any tears i hope...

Anyway, cant msg u tonight and i felt uneasy... My as well as typed here.. Gal, nitex and slp tight. The night is cold, do snuggle comfortably in ur thick blankets. And all the best for ur tests tmr too! sweet dreams...

haiz

Labels: I shall be strong

2nd time loggin today... Reached school at 8.. but till now, haven even attend a single lesson.. best... Originally wanna study for jap test de, but in the end, my mind cant even remember a single phrase. Suddenly everything seems so hard, so complicated.. That my brain aint fast enough to work.. After a while, my brain started floating to else where again... and my tears started rolling down again...

Crapped... Then suddenly, my fren call, y u not going for lesson? is not i wan pon de, is i know even if i go, i will also be dreaming away.. my brain is not working, then wad can i do? Gonna fail my final jap exam.. yea, maybe i should jus skip the test and get a straight zero instead.

Sometime reali wonder, why does god gives us feelings? Is that a blessing or a blessing in disguise? Nice.. i dunno y, i thought i am able to cope with my emotions, cope with such small matters. but i cant even do it..

My fren ask me play pool.. Pool leh.. the only activity that will cheer me up when i am most upset de, but today i actuali decline.. Something reali wrong with me..

I dunno y, but i realised i have been very childish. So childish that i thought i was matured enough to decide on what i was doing.. My judgement.. i now too have doubts for my judgement..
What does this makes me now?Maybe i reali haf to tink through thoroughly...

I dont feel anger, i dont feel tired, and i told myself not to be sad..
But tears jus seems out of my control.. Hahaz(useless me)



Praying.....

Labels: wads wrong with me

HAHAz.... Ironically, i tinks that i will create a different blog from others, a blog without sadness, without complains.. But in the end, my first post ended up a not a very happy post. This blog created specially for u, but it ends up being a blog which held memories for u.. Ironic right?

Yesterday went for investiture.. Everything went smoothly, my dear was as pretty as ever.. Her smile manage to throw away all my burdens at that moment.( Includes 4 presentation and 6 tests, HI club performances, ndp shows) everything went smmothly.. Real smoothly.. As usual we took photos and smiles. Everything happens so quickly and smoothly..

After which, i even cabbed back to Np to meet out with my group members for proj. Feeling high, feeling refreshed by ur smile, i managed to endure through the whole 3.5 hours.. Tks dear..

But when i reached home, things started to go wrong.. My dear ended up sending me a msg. A msg which stops me from doing anything. A msg which stunned me instantly.. A msg which turns my mind into empty space.. (vacuum) hahaz..

i wanted to reply harshly, i wanted to argue, i wanted to ask why, a thousand why, a million why.., i want a good ans.. But in the end, i jus decided to let it go.. Why? Cuz previously i heard that she got 3 tests on friday, and i dun wanna spoil her mood.. i want her to concentrate in her tests.. Stupid of me right? hahaz.(lets laugh at me)

That night, is reali very cold. Very silent... I was pretty tired.. My eyelids are heavy, i wanted to slp badly.. But i couldnt.. i dunno why.. beats me.. when i tossed and turn on the bed, i realised something wet, something cold is rolling down my face. Haz. Its been lik how long since i last saw my beads of tears? Now i reali know what ppl means by having sleepless night... As i look blankly at the ceiling, i tried to pushed away all thoughts from my mind, and pray and pray.. Hoping that all this is just a joke or a dream.. But it never happens.. I have also experienced my heart being compressed that very night. The tinge of sadness. Its lik someone trying to stuff ur heart into a small box.. its so uncomfortable, its so... i seriously thinks that its way beyond description. Its hurt to a extent, where i tot it will stop beating.. NOW, i know the feeling of having a shattered heart.

Right now, i keep telling myself, i have to be strong.. i must not be beaten.. i must at least endure this few weeks, till my final exam has passed, till my last NDP show is over, before i can break down... Before i can released my emotions lik a small baby.. But u think is that easy?

Thinking back, i wanna laugh... Everything seems so familiar.. Is jus lik marcus incident.. Reali... Right now, i have prayed.. i believe GOD will built me a small box, in which i can keep away all my smiles, all my happiness that i have with u.. Nailed it down with every drop of my tears within my heart... And let the box drop way within my heart...


Wa... reali stunned by the amount of wordss that i have typed... I also realised, emo ppl are good writers.

When i looked into ur eyes,
happiness flooded within me...
When i looked into ur eyes,
my worries and burden all vanished into thin air...
When i looked into ur eyes,
i see all hopes and light...

But now,
i dun even dare to look into ur eyes...
i dun even dare to tink about u...
i dun even dare to open my heart for u again...

Aimlessly, i walked through the night,
with tears in my eyes..
i pressed against my chest,
worringing that u might even stole my heart away...
Luckily is still beating, slowly, restlessly...

For now...
i shall be a bird with broken wings,
always looking at the sky..
waiting for u to pick me back...
back to the times where we had our happy moments..

For now...
i shall be a wooden piece of block,
lifeless, smileless,
till u return me my heart..

For now...

Labels: I shall be strong