I am rather tired now.. Emotionally and physically..

As a guy, there are many things that we needs to do, we need to maintain. But what if there is only going out, but nothing coming in>?



Nevertheless, to keep the line going, i have to keep it up.. till the other one gets the fire and lights it on.. Early mornings to ensure that we still have the time to meet... For i am prepared, that u will say on friday- i am simply too tired.. we have meet each other everyday..lets meet on monday bah.. well.. i dunno why.. but its just kinda disappointed.. But i dare not say anything... cuz u will think that i am inconsiderate. hmmx.. life's hard.. i know.. but so? people will still say- i choose it... ya...

100% work - 0 % love i know, school work is important.. but right now, we are in a relationship.. u are not living alone now.. its two hearts... Every presentation, every tests, i concern them as much as u do.. i waited for u to reply..for u to tell me how u fare.. hey.. i am done with my presentation! dear.. tks for supporting me!

Lik this at least i can heave a sigh of relieve... but.. the msg din come.. i tot u might still be preparing.. so i waited.. till ur end of lesson... Hmmx... so throughout the whole 8 hours, i wasnt even worth 1 min of ur time. while i am thinking of u every single moment

i know, if i complain to u, tell u about this, u will be unhappy, say i am stirring up trouble.. make a fuss of such small matter. But for me.. ITS A GREAT DISAPPOINTMENT!

in front of ur friends.. i am just lik another friend to u. u treat me lik ur other friends.. this, i can only tell myself.. perhaps, this is u ba.. when u told me about ur friend.. that girl who kiss, even when u all are busy. As for guys, we will certainly want such a girl. Of course.. when u are busy, hugging kissing is not appropriate. but i believe a tap on the cheek, a tight cosy quick hug, a warming msg, to report to me about ur current condition..This is definitely a super big assurance to guys! that u still care about them! Its all due to how much u prioritise a person in ur life. Otherwise, it would simply means that- boy friend are only to be entertain, whenever u are free. So in future. please lookup for me when i am free. When i am busy, just wait for me at one corner and wait for me till i call u to come.

I may seems to be unreasonable, but to tell u the truth, thats wad i felt. from tuesday till today. 3 straight days..

u may be someone who doesnt show ur love through actions. but it doesnt have to be limited only to that? words.. msges, mails.. but i get none..

how do my heart get peace, security.. when u simply tell me.. i love euu.. words that only can be heard when u are free.

in a relationship.. its not the guy blend into the girls life, vice versa..

Its a whole new life! with two hearts to be concern of!

i waited for ur msg. wait aand wait.. each vibration on my phone within this three days- Saber,zhong ying, mouse, xin hui, chie heng. but dun have ur presence. My heart sinks, but i tell myself. No, dun let this disappointment out of ur heart.

忍一时，海夸天空..

But how much more? i afraid i will break down... but i know what will ur outcome be.. that is.. keep quiet. then emo. then i will say.. its all my fault. then u will say i make u sad. then i will heart pain, and let the matter go. then allow history to repeat itself!

maybe i love u till the extent that i dun even wan to let u get hurt. Hence, i am keeping all to myself. Holding on to the love in my heart. Maybe soon, this will become one sided.

why?

because each day, when u rush ur work... i am being left left out of ur life. thrown in one corner...

then afterwards, u will say u dun feel any love from me anymore..

then when someone approach u, help u a hand...

then u will say, that person concern u more then i do...

then the world will change...

ur heart will change....

then when i explain... u will say... i am unreasonable

its all different

now i dun love u

and yea.. thats the outcomee...

so now, no matter what, no matter how tired i am.. i still have to find time to find u in the morning.. it seems that the only time is in the morning already... i am sure.. if without this mornings, our love for each other will decrease lik mad..

So thats the reason, why i am worried about next semester. i dun wan to lose u..

for normal girls, they willl auto msg the guys.. lik where u now, wad u doing... i miss euu... keep tracking of their guys..allowing them to know that their girls miss them..

but for me, i end up keeping tracks of u instead, and sometime u dun even bother to reply... how saddening.. when i say, u will say.. i am busy.. cant u be more considerate? cant i have more trust??????????????????????????????

seriously, i reali want to tell u all this, let u be aware about how i feel.. but i dare not do it.. Please god... help me.. i know i cant leave it like this..

for i will break down sooner or later..

Labels: I shall be strong

Time flies... We are now approaching the end of the November year 2009.

Many things has changed, everyone has moved on with their life. Tks god , i have such a great girl who appears in my life....

However, we, human, has things that can never be learn finished.. Right now.. i am training to be mroe mature in everything that i do.. In terms of relationship...
I am learning, how not to be jealous that easily... Hmmx...

Its kind of killing me, especially when i do not have enough slp and ..... haiz...
But nevertheless, my trust and faith for my dear is always there. So no doubt, after awhile, everything will be all gone.. I mean for all human, there will sure be a tinge of jealousness when things doesnt approach the way u wan right?

Sometimes, i am afraid to say out my inside feeling.. I fear that this will be my life partner unhappy. BUt this will mean that i am unhappy. Aiya.. i not sure what to do right now. So i will just keep praying, see that everything will become a lesson for me.. Of course, i hope that the price will not be too expensive!

Sometimes, when i love someone so much, i gave it all that i have, i always do not reali get what i deserve.. So i am afraid that this barrier within me will always be there.. Haiz...

God.. help help help me....

I love my Dear CHIA LING, i wan her only in my life.. PLease allow me to grow up, and have a correct thinking of what i shud do...

Dear i love u! I love u and only u only!

Labels: I shall be strong

Ahhh.. I have came to this dilemma.. Because.. i dunno wad is happening to me..

During this exam period... i have indeed had a great time studying.. revising.. But happy moment do flies...
Right now.. exam period is over.. and i kinda miss the times in the library.. This feeling is like so random.. I feel so afraid right now..

Aiyoyo.. blurr me.. haha... So i am here to xpress my feeling for the blog again.. =X

But hor.. today i feel so different leh.. not able to see her.. blah blah.. arrhh.. but seeing ur msg.. ur call.. aiyoyo.. i dunno why, but i am just feeling over the moon.. arrggg.. i dunno lahh...

OKok i go slp le... NItex

Labels: I shall be strong

For the past few days.. I could feel my life moving on.. Each day, i enjoy every single moment, joyous moment without stress, without worries...

But for today.. When i saw my whole grp of frens, my quick glance managed to catch my ex(i dun reali consider)'s eye in action. She was lik glaring at euu.. At that moment, i feel frightened.. i know its all my fault.. At that moment, i too was very frightened.. that she would make sarcastic comments abt u.. i even fear that... aiyo.. i tink is i watched too much movies le.. BUt at that moment, my heart has made a firm decision.. that is to ensure that u get protected at all cost..

And u know wad? It is this instance that i realised ur importance in my heart. Seeing that u are not reali feeling well today, i am very worried.. Though i wanted to help u, but i jus couldnt know wad went wrong with ur immune system.. so in the end, i can only worry from my heart.. haiz..

How i wish, things will not take a worst end. I fear to have that.. for i have just recover my footing and i dun wish to fall right back again..

Everyday, i msg u, msn u, facebook u, i am actuali rather weird.. Wad if.. ur reaction when seeing my msg is jus the same reaction as seeing JT's? I realise something.. that is u dunno how to reject.. even if u keep complaining, but u still give a nice response. Making ppl thinking in the wrong direction.. and the thing that i fear most is lik i will become like Jt.. U know, i rili got no faith in myself anymore..

So now, everyday, i jus include u in my prayers, wishing that god has grant piglet a healthy yet happy life. Praying that our frenship will last long. Praying for god to gif me a clearer direction.. Thats all i asked from god.. i know is very greedy.. BUt i am willing to exchange for anything as long as is for piglet...

Well.. especialy after i send u the msg, and u giving me the unfirm answer, my heart sank.. well.. I am bad at interpretting sentences. I always tink to the bad side.. SO ya.. i guess that msg is more towards the gloomy side bah...

Well.. i will try as much to keep my limit where my heart allows... Yup..BUt still, i rili wan to know the answer truthfully from ur heart...

Haha.. feeling much better after i have spilled these frustrating moment with my dearest blog.. Yup..
Tks for being there, to listen to my complain, listen to a coward's word. listen to someone useless complaining.. Tks.


How do i control my heart? I never had such a strong feeling b4.. Weird..

Labels: I shall be strong

Its been a long time since i felt such feelings... The feeling of true joy in my heart.. Making me look forward to each coming day..

Yup.. Its u piglet..

Frankly speaking, initially, my heart was broken, shattered.. Getting to know u- i guess it was a god gift. U motivates me to study, to get on with my life.. Each day passes, and slowly... i noticed a slight change.. At first, this changes was very mild... But as times goes by, i realise my heart was healing.. Day after day, i could lift myself out of the agony, and finally found the true joy coming out from my heart. My life seems to be moving.. Yup.. tks piglet...

I know i must have think too much.. But this all is actuali true for me!
Its been along time since i felt joy.. The feeling is reaili nice..
From the moment i drank the honey, i could felt the warmth..
Hmmx.. At least my heart is beating...
And now, its palpitating...

Do u know that everyday, i have been studying very hard because my life is burning of passion again?
Yup... Tired me due to the burning of midnight studying oil.. My life seems to spring back to life now...

So now, i dare not hope for anything more already...
Let everything move at this speed.. Slowly, firmly..
Praying that everything will be alright, everything is NOT a dream
GIVING tks to the almighty GOD, for relighting my beacon of light, drawing me to the direction that god has planned for me..

Tks GOD for the name we pray.. AMEN..

Labels: I shall be strong

My life, right now, is totally bleak.. crossroads seems to intertwine... my heart follows.. my mind is a blank.. everyday, i seem to live my day, painfully... My brain is dying! It seems as though it has been suffocated.. no oxygen....

Everyday, my mood goes high to low, low to high.. never at all steady.. when it comes to the night, i will feel so tired, exhuasted and shag.. maybe tis is wad u call- a living zombie.. Its hard to leave on, without emotions, without hope, without confidence... Maybe a sharp snap ard my neck would ends all...

Betraying, not honouring of words... this is wad have been going on and on around my mind.. Sometime, it makes me dun even feel belong to tis world.. for i am too weak to survive such torturous treatment in the real life world..

Havin a body without a proper control of emotion is lik hell... sometime laugh, sometime tears just trickled down the cheek.. it seems as though a mad person is around.

But wad can i do? where is my beacon of light? too bad.. its all hidden... its all covered.. no shd i say, its all gone.. no longer there..

so yup.. right now, alan, is practically lifeless...

academics- flunk...
pool- moodless, impossible
cca- faith
attitude- gone
hope- dash
life- human zombie
future- bleak
time- ticking away, but nthing is done
meal- eat for the sake of parents

haha.. useless dolphin... Cant even try to escape from the torturous human life...
yup yup- this is my life...

Labels: I shall be strong

Last night, i couldnt stand it any longer.

i could no longer have the power to withstand it.

for the first time, i realise how it feels to skip a step while running down the emotional stairs. I fell and fell.. not knowing went to stop.

things that i do, steps that i have taken. u never understand.. Great...

things that u text, are just for that moment of deceive..

because of love.. i have getting more and more unreasonable..
it all begins when u do not feel wad i do with ur heart.
it all begins when ur heart is not completely mine...

i shall jus keep quiet..
let everything jus slip pass quietly...
why?
because i believe u will never ever see this blog..
why?
because ur heart no longer belongs to me...
u know? how much i miss u?
u know how much i wish u call, and say, dear, please continue my life journey with me...
But it never happens.. it never did...

Labels: I shall be strong